


Happiness and Despair

by supervoid



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Billie/Death - Freeform, Confessions, Destiel - Freeform, Grief, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Spoilers for 'Despair', The Empty (Supernatural), spoilers for s15e18, the Big Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:34:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27428761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supervoid/pseuds/supervoid
Summary: “Happiness isn’t in…the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”Castiel experiences true happiness. Dean is left with despair.Spoilers for s15 e18.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 110





	Happiness and Despair

Death pounds at the door. But Castiel looks more at peace than he’s ever been.

“I always wondered what it could be, what- what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want…It’s something I know I can’t have. But I think I know…I think I know now.” Castiel pauses, thoughtfully. “Happiness isn’t in…the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”

“What are you talking about, man?” Dean says, voice cracking.

Castiel steps forward slowly, eyes desperately wide and understanding. “I know- I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken, you’re daddy’s blunt instrument. And you think that hate and anger, that’s- that’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not.”

Dean stares into Castiel’s eyes deeply.

“And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for _love_. You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.”

Dean looks away, trying to hide the emotion pooling in his eyes.

“You’re the most caring man on Earth, you are the most selfless, loving human being, I will ever know.” He pauses. “You know ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell-“ Castiel shakes his head and smiles. “Knowing you has changed me.” He lets his tears fall through his smile. “Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack.” His face crumples. “But I cared about the whole world, because of _you_."

_Cas._

"You changed me, Dean.”

Tears run down Castiel’s face and Dean is filled with dread.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Castiel’s face crumples. “Because it is.”

Dean shakes his head slightly. _No. Don’t do this._

“I love you.”

Dean’s eyes softened, his jaw loosening as he swallows. The vice around his heart melted.

He loves me too.

Dean was hit with a wall of emotions. He felt so warm and stupid and scared at the same time. Dean never felt deserving of love. He had repressed his feelings for Castiel for so long, never allowing himself to express what he truly wanted. What his true happiness could look like. He never dared to hope that Castiel might feel the same way.

He recalled his confession not long ago when he was confronted with the thought of his own impending death. Things he still wanted before the chance was taken from him.

_There’s…people, feelings. That I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before. Or maybe even for the first time._

But he held back. He didn’t deserve Castiel. And yet his angel felt the same.

_Because the one thing I want…_

_It’s something I know I can’t have._

Dean felt so stupid. All along it was there, and he was too scared. Too scared to lose his best friend. And the most painful part was that Castiel didn't think he could have him either. They had been dancing around each other through it all and now everything was being taken away. The hope was shining through the cracks in his heart now. He wanted so badly to release the fear he’d been carrying so long. Dean’s eyes water as he swallows the lump in his throat. _I love you too. I’ve always loved you._

But he can’t. Giving in to his love - _Castiel’s love_ \- it would end their story. The Empty was eternal. Separated forever, even in death. What a fucked up beautiful tragedy. Chuck couldn't have written it better if he tried.

He couldn’t let himself feel. Dean desperately tried to control his breathing, carefully masking his expression.

“Don’t do this Cas.” He shakes his head, blinking rapidly.

Death knocks on the door louder. Dean watches as Castiel’s expression collapsed into tearful acceptance. His eyes reflect rippling darkness back at Dean, as though staring through him. _He sees something._

Dean swallows hard, his brows furrow, and his jaw clenches sharply. _No, no…_

He doesn’t want to turn around. His eyes are red with fear, his heart dropping to his stomach. He turns, following Castiel’s gaze to the black void that has opened up behind him.

The Empty had been summoned.

Castiel’s confession alone was all it took. His moment of true happiness was loving Dean Winchester. Dean breaks. His tears spill, eyes glistening as he turns back to his best friend desperately. He is fully present now. They are out of time. He clings to this moment. This last precious moment. He can’t lose Castiel without him ever knowing the truth.

“Cas-”

_Cas I…_

The words hang in the air. The utter panic. The weight of what he has to say, The silent I. _I love you too._ But he doesn’t get the chance. Death finally bursts through the door behind them.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

Castiel shoves him away with a bloodied hand.

“What-“ Dean slams into the ground with a grunt, looking up just in time to see Castiel and Death be consumed by the black void. Castiel’s expression melts into peaceful acceptance as he is pulled into the empty forever.

The black void vanishes as quickly as it came. The bunker is silent.

A bloody red handprint marks Dean's shoulder. His mind flashes to the handprint burned into Dean's shoulder when Castiel first gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. Castiel left the world the way he entered it. Saving Dean Winchester. 

Dean can’t process it. It was all too much.

He leans against the wall in shock, immobile against the brick. He’s not sure how long he laid there. Seconds- hours perhaps. What did it matter.

The phone buzzing on the concrete beside him pulls him back into the painful reality. He vaguely registers Sam’s name on the screen. Dean looks around slowly for something, anything, to signify that he isn’t alone. But the room is empty.

The love of his life is gone forever. And he’ll never know that Dean loved him too.

The weight of the realization rips Dean apart. He blinks rapidly, in a futile effort to stop the tears. He swallows heavily, letting his head hit the wall behind him. He holds his face in his hands and lets his soul shatter completely.

His sobs muffle the sound of Sam's unanswered call vibrating his phone against the concrete. 

**Author's Note:**

> I had feelings after that last episode. I hope they give our boys the ending they deserve. 
> 
> I may continue this with my theories for the finale. But we'll have to wait and see. 
> 
> *hugs to all the whole destiel community*
> 
> We've waited so long for this. What beautiful angst. Just rip my heart out, I guess.


End file.
